A month or so ago I thought life was really never gonna stop pissing down on me, ey! But recently I’ve been looking at things more positively. I have a new social life which I had to force at first, but now my diary is full: Friends keep asking me for dinner and my lifestyle’s busy too. I never thought I would could be like this again – I mean it’s been years of hell, years of struggling, every damn day in some way, trying to pull myself away from depression.
I hate to think how many hours I’ve spent staring at walls with my arms burning, or how many different movements I’ve done to get properly mobile! I still scream in the car!! And pull funny faces! Actually, I was doing some gurning at the traffic lights the other day when I glanced over to see a kid staring at me: “Mum!!! Why’s that man pulling funny faces?” I just know it was something like that!!! Just know it!! Hahahaha! These days people just ask me how I hurt my leg; I never expected to walk away from this with just a limp……and even that’s improving slowly. I didn’t question where I was in my recovery; I just kept focusing on getting further…..
I lost my wife, yer it cost me for sure! Maybe I should have focused better on marriage, but it’s not that simple, not when your sleep pattern, social life- actually everything! – has to change. You wash up leaning on your bad leg, eating with your shit hand – to name just 2 problems in a few million!!!
I won’t even begin that list….Endless even going for a piss! I couldn’t let myself just go, as I stopped mid-flow at least 5 times to build up my prostate, or whatever the muscle is called!
To pull out of this, I had to be a very obsessed – no, an INSANELY crazy man!! Now I’ve reached the point where I’m finally chilling out , back to my old self (sort of) minus the fags ‘n’ Scotch; Well I had 5 Jacks ‘n’ Coke (Jack Daniels) last Friday night (and they were yummy)….. but I try to keep it in moderation now. We had a bloody good scream, so I guess that’s good for ya too. I haven’t lived for a long time – forgot how to – as my obsession to recover took its toll. On reflection, I’m surprised Jade didn’t leave me a long time ago, ey! Hahaha!
I always wonder if the army helped me get through this, ‘cos soldiers just have to complete the task at hand, we don’t give up. Giving in was not an option!! But trying to keep your wife happy when you have such a task – a task bigger than life itself – is too hard for many couples to cope with.
Whatever….I’m gonna be continuing on this obsession, even now. Obviously I want to see how far I can get, see if I can be all I can be! Many out there will be thinking my way: “See how far I can get. What can I get back?” Everyone wants to try, you know.
Sorry, I’ve lost the point of this blog, but I guess what I am trying to say is:
If anyone out there finds themselves splitting up, remember locked-in syndrome and strokes generally are hard (no DAMN hard) for partners to deal with and you must forgive them if they move on. Many just can’t deal with it; they’re lucky they can walk away!!
I wish my X all the luck in the world and, although I miss the memories, I think things will be fine!! One thing’s for sure: You can be YOU – a new you, perhaps, but you can learn to love the person you’ve become and so can others!! I’m now learning that – feeling very optimistic about my future indeed! That’s unbelievable from a pair of blinking eyes in 2011. 4-5 years ago, ey! My God! “Did it even happen!!!!” I thank God I believed in myself no matter what the cost!!
Pte 2505 8396!! Feeling proud, Sir!!!